ComputerHunter.org |
|
|
|||
|
 |
A Perrverse Confidante
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002 Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced. Our relationship has always been based on a maternal dictatorship. Even as an adult daughter I cannot approach my mother because her idea of advice is an order. Since she makes life miserable, I withhold my personal life from her to the point of lying. I met a wonderful man who lives out of town, and we have been cultivating a terrifically close relationship. Mom met him once, but only to the point of saying hello. Because I find sneaking around emotionally draining, I phoned Mom and confessed. The reaction to this news was exactly as expected. Mom called me a tramp, a useless stupid person, and a terrible daughter not worthy of living. She suggested I get an operation on my eyes so I could see this man as the bum that he is. Neither my friends nor I see what she is implying. He is well-versed, well- educated, with a great job and strong morals. Mom said if I continue with this man she is writing me out of her will. Our conversation ended with her hanging up after telling me to have a nice life. Because I know deep down she means well, I am torn by her reaction. I feel guilty for hurting her, yet I am hesitant to put my life on hold because she does not approve of a man based on a 30 second conversation. Why do I feel like I am a terrible daughter? Her reaction puts a damper on an extremely exciting and happy time in my life. I am faced with a choice between two people I love dearly. Am I being selfish? Irene Irene, you feel like a terrible daughter because your mother trained you to feel that way. Your news didn't hurt her. She lashed out because she doesn't want you to have an independent life. This man must make an excellent first impression because in 30 seconds your mother realized he would never tolerate her abuse. She also recognized he would never allow a woman he loved to be treated the way your mother treats you. Everyone with a satisfying life makes one important discovery. There is a direction and flow to life, and that direction is toward growth, realization, and fulfillment. Without those things it is not possible to be happy. In the Greek myth of the Procrustean bed, people too short were painfully stretched until they fit the bed, while those too long had excess parts cut off. Your mother wants you to lie on her Procrustean bed. It's time to ask yourself, What is the true nature of maternal love? Wayne & Tamara Out Of Tune I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him. Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings? Daryn Daryn, not every piece of music moves every person. Not everyone likes Shakespeare, and we don't all have the same favorite color. This man may have a beautiful melody, but it is for someone else's ears. Be sweet, nice and complimentary to his personality, but be absolutely sure to let him know the relationship is not going to go where he wants. Don't go anywhere near "let's be friends." He will feel you are leaving an opening for him eventually. That's cruel. Clear is less hurtful than nice, for both parties. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Google News - Top Stories
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Coaching for Results He's a very successful sales manger who craves results. He can't be bothered with people who don't produce. They are losers. He always produces the numbers year after year. The question is does he do it through bullying or coaching? Lessons from Donald Trump and The Apprentice: A Career Coachs Perspective What can we learn about careers from watching Donald Trump and The Apprentice? Discovering Your Passion and Purpose "I can't seem to discover why I'm on the planet." Poise, Posture, and Performance Good posture is seen to have many advantages. From an aesthetic point of view it can enhance image, sending out the right signals (body language). For an athlete it is seen to be essential. But what is a good posture? We recognise poor posture when we see it, as it is evident in the majority of adults regardless of athletic ability. But just to confuse the matter, people with an ideal 'plumb-line' posture can also have poor movement patterns. This is because it is not the shape that is important but how it is maintained. An apparent 'good' posture can be achieved with totally inappropriate muscular activity. Email Etiquette 1 I thought it might be worth visiting some email etiquette for all as the majority of the readers of this newsletter are now on email. 5 Steps to Derail Difficult People - Your Surefire Way to a Peaceful Resolution That one guy at work that always has to be right; your buddy's wife who can't eat anywhere they serve burgers, or the monster-in-law, I mean mother-in-law, with too many opinions for your own good, difficult people, we all know them. So the question is, is there a right and a wrong way to deal with them? The answer is yes, if you want to avoid unnecessary confrontations. Seeing Your Energy At Work Our bodies are made of pure energy. With Quantum physics we learn that the cells of our body are made of molecules, which are made of atoms, which are made of sub-atomic particles. 4 Steps to Successful Goal-Setting Successful people have always had clear, focused goals that guide them to greatness. The Great Marketing Reframe From grimaces to stomach knots, talking about marketing seems to take on the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher, with so many syllables of "wah WAaah, wah WAah, wah." Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout. It is a reality show about a hair designer, Jonathan Antin who struggles to get his Beverly Hills salon up and running. Not only do the Hollywood stars visit his shop but also many other women come in for makeovers with the hope that they too will look like the rich and famous. In fact, when their makeovers are finished they really do look more glamorous than when they walked in. Actually, the TV is filled with shows like these including the famous Extreme Makeover and Dr. 90214, which depicts Beverly Hill's plastic surgeons reshaping and changing the appearances of women of all ages. In these shows the women, in particular, discuss how they feel stuck in a midlife crisis or are anxious about a life transition. Choosing The Right Coach Coaching has become a very popular way for people to get the ongoing support they need to accomplish their goals. However, choosing a coach can be tricky. There are so many METHODS, models, and approaches. Coaches come from every background possible -- from counseling to consulting to corporate America. And each individual has a PERSONALITY, communication style, and temperament that is going to match well with some people and clash with others. So how do you choose someone who is right for you? What is the Success Lesson in this Story? One of my clients gave me permission to tell you his story. Coaching: YOU Can Improve Your Organizations Performance GOOD BUSINESS COACHING: Clearly, the right kind of coaching can alter a team's or an organization's performance. The implication for business is that if you create a climate of coaching in any organization, you can produce performance that exceeds your expectations - and you won't have to change the people to do so. Coaching can produce star performers in organizations, even when the players are people of ordinary talent and ability. 5 Tips to Improve ANY Performance Seeking improved performance at work? Wishing you could finally achieve your sports-related goals? Merely looking for a way to get more out of everything you do? What follows are five basic skills (basic in that all top achievers know these skills and apply them in some form on a weekly basis) that will dramatically improve your performance. The Power of a Scope We all know the power of a scope if you need to focus in on a target and hit it. We all need to develop and truly understand the power of the human mind's scope. All of us have inside of us the potential to be as powerful as the most high-tech laser scope available today. A scope is designed to focus in on a target without getting distracted or losing focus in order to hit its target right on the bull's eye. Now remember that all mechanical scopes are programmed by human technology and if we can do it for machines, we can do it for ourselves. Tame The Financial Beast Are holiday bills surprising you? Are you hoping that if you ignore your finances long enough, maybe they will fix themselves? Success Coaching - What Bill Gates and You Should Have In Common He was just a teenager, but he was already displaying the powerful habits that would one day make him a billionaire. Who Are You Mixing It With? I talk and write a lot about Life Design ? creating and sculpting a life that is fulfilling for you. It is about shaping your personal landscape and environment. Transform Your Image And Accelerate Your Success Being a lifelong student, I am regularly attending seminars etc. to become the best I can be in all areas of my life. Live With An Attitude Of Gratitude Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you just can't fall asleep and you have to get up early the next morning for a very important meeting of which you are the keynote speaker. Your alarm clock goes off early in the morning waking you from what little sleep you had. You stumble out of bed, have a quick shower, grab a coffee and some toast, and off you go to fight the traffic on the way to work.
|
|
|
|
|
