ComputerHunter.org |
|
|
|||
|
 |
Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee
One of the most distressing observations I have made among my social work colleagues, is the overwhelming proclivity on the part of many of us so-called helpers, to lack understanding and sensitivity to the position helpees are in when they agree to accept intervention. Many of us take "professionalism" out of context and become more of a burden to families than a helping resource. All to often, we believe we are "experts" (a term used rather loosely these days), and therefore know more about what is best for those we are attempting to help, which as far as I am concerned is utterly ridiculous. We want to take individuals out of their dysfunctional world, bring them into our less than perfect world and then drop them like a hot potato. We judge their world as inadequate and we must therefore make it more adequate by imposing our "expertise." We enter helping relationships with the desire to "fix it" not understanding that we do not have the power to fix; only the helpee has that power. I believe the best way to help individuals is to positively influence their decision for change; to assist them in getting comfortable with the idea of change and the benefits it may have for their lives. If people buy into the need for change, and we provide the support and tools needed for them to change, change will happen. But, before that can occur, we professionals must become sensitized to what it means for individuals to receive help. It is not a pretty picture. Let's take a brief look at what is required for individuals (including us professionals by the way) to accept help. 1) It Is Not Easy To Receive Help - Most people who need help experience mixed feelings. They want help and at the same time are terrified of it. And in many cases, the fear of it is greater than the desire for it. We can understand this better if we look at what demands are placed on the person who needs help: - There is a recognition that something is wrong with him/her or lacking in their situation which they apparently cannot manage sufficiently themselves. The consequence of this recognition is the lowering of self-esteem. - They must be willing to tell someone else about their problem. - They must accord to the Helper at least limited rights to personal information. - They must be open to change in some way. 2) Commitment to Change is Not Easy - Change means giving up whatever adjustment has been made to their current situation; adjustments that have cost a great deal to make and have become a part of their world and lifestyle. They have developed a comfort zone that they are not readily willing to move out of. Most of us tend to cling to the status quo out of fear. As professionals, we must realize that it is hard for individuals to say good-bye to old ways of thinking and doing things. Keep in mind that to commit to change means committing to the unknown. Their comfort world is where they are accustomed. From our perspective it may be a miserable comfort, but in the helpees world, misery is oftentimes preferred to the unknown. 3) It Is Difficult to Submit to the Influence of a Helper - Many helpees have had bad experiences with helpers. For many people, trying to live more productive lives with the assistance of helpers has only resulted in greater defeat. While a willingness to help is important, it is not enough within itself. Helpers must be prepared to offer the kind of help helpees need. 4) It Is Not Easy to Trust Strangers Enough to be Open With Them -Many people have been deeply hurt by so called helpers: confidence betrayed, taken advantage of, verbally abused, mistreated, dehumanized, humiliated, belittled. I do not care how insufficient an individual may appear, they do not want to be made to "feel" inadequate. 5. It Is Not Easy To See One's Problem Clearly - Many helpees live complicated lives. There are so many issues they are contending with that often they are unable to pinpoint what their problem is that they desire help with. In social work, what helpees tell us initially is what we call the "presenting problem" We recognize the presenting problem as the surface layer and it is rarely the problem that needs addressing. 6. Sometimes Problems Seem too Overwhelming, or Shameful to Share Easily. Helpees do not want to be perceived in a negative light by the helper and may experience great difficulty in relating areas of their lives in which they feel ashamed and believe they will be judged. It is not an easy thing to accept help. Yet, for the most part, this tremendous demand made on the person to be helped has gone unrecognized. People who refuse help are still thought of as ungrateful when all they really are is afraid. They are very much afraid of what it will cost them to accept help or to make changes. Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, veteran social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach which can be reviewed on her site. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, is expected to be available in July. You are welcome to visit AMEN Ministries: Your Souls' service Station for spiritual refreshing, soul edification or to browse our newly expanded mini shopping mall. http://www.clergyservices4u.org Blessings to all!
Google News - Top Stories
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Say Adios to the Fear of Rejection! Do you ever get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach when you have to approach someone? Finding Peace: A Taste of Mindfulness When we are ill and don't know it, we are in a state of ignorance or delusion. We don't view ourselves as sick, so we don't believe it's necessary to go to a doctor or take any medication. We fail to recognize our own need for care and support. Crisis: Danger or Opportunity? I have often heard motivational speakers say that the word crisis in Chinese means both danger and opportunity. In investigating the facts, I have found running arguments on the web as to whether or not this is true. I personally do not speak Chinese and am certainly not an expert on this matter. Going Beyond Life Coaching In Corrogue the air is chill and the frost is on the ground. The Right Coach Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals? Learn to Say No! How many times have you agreed to do something that you actually didn't want to do? For someone at work? Your friends? Even your spouse? All you had to do was say no, but the word didn't come out. So you end up doing it?and later resent it. A Coaching Secret I've told people for a long time that one of the "secrets" of coaching is forgiveness. Forgiveness takes your finger out of the dyke of the past so you can let the future flow. Buddha said, "forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past." It is an act of total volition, requiring only a softening of the heart. But how do you forgive the unforgivable? Mentors and Coaches: How to Be a Great Mentee or Learner When you invest your time in being a mentee you will be rewarded with accelerated learning and experiences from your mentor. You will learn from and avoid the mistakes that they may have made, learn about your industry, meet great people, form valuable relationships and be able to mentor someone in your future. If your organisation offers a mentoring program, sign up and get involved. If there isn't a formal mentoring program, suggest one or identify people you would like to learn from and approach them about mentoring you. If you are going to approach someone about being your mentor make sure you present yourself professionally and show your prospective mentor that you are serious and committed by having a mentoring plan in place. How Empathy Can Reduce Your Anger Jim, a 42-year old engineer was teaching his eight-year-old son how to fly a radio-controlled airplane. As the airplane was taking off, Jim instructed his son to push the control stick on the radio to the right. He did and the airplane turned to the right. Overcoming Work Addiction Why are you so busy? Do you really have too much work? Is work so important to you that you'll sacrifice just about anything in your life to get the job done? Even if it's at the expense of your health and your relationships? Your Past and Present Hold Key to Your Future Knowing more about who you are will give you the insight for your future goals. After July 8, Pay This Amount You undoubtedly go through this, too. A few times a month you gather up the bills coming due and write checks or pay them online. Boost Your Self-Esteem What Is Self-Esteem? The Tolerance Effect While working with a client several months ago, we went through a process of identifying areas of personal strengths and weaknesses. Through this exercise, we discussed various characteristics and ended up deciding that there was opportunity for improvement in her level of "tolerance". A funny thing happened after that. When she found herself in a situation that had previously triggered a negative reaction be it disappointment, irritation, frustration, anger or even animosity (usually focused on the person in the car ahead of her who didn't use their turn signal), the word "tolerance" would flash in her head and she could immediately change the way she reacted to the situation. Free Advice From Albert Einstein What If You Could Ask Anyone For Help? Be A Champion Communicator by Becoming a Chameleon Recently, I worked with a client who was having a problem with some of the women in her organization. The organization had just undergone major changes, which resulted in different reporting relationships for many of the women. The problem was that the women were having trouble effectively communicating with their new bosses. The Role of Grief Group Facilitators Technically, there are two types of grief groups. Informational and support groups are for individuals who have an interest in the grief process. The purpose of these groups is to promote grief education and awareness. It covers the grief process in a more academic fashion. Drop and Gimme Ten! Every one of us have dreams, desires and goals that we put on the shelf. In front of them are a litany of excuses -- but not one reason -- why they aren't being pursued. Here are among the most popular: What Can Be Changed In Management To Improve Bottom Line Results? If you don't have the full support and understanding of key management positions, any organizational changes being made are going to be thwart with difficulties. It is up to CEOs and Presidents to champion the cause and ensure their managerial teams are also in full support, so that it can filter down through the ranks more smoothly. Masterminding Success - How to Start a Masterminding Meeting? Masterminding is about a group of like-minded, achievement-oriented individuals who come together to combine the power of several minds to tackle problems, seek advice and perspectives in achieving their goals.
|
|
|
|
|
