ComputerHunter.org

 

Divorce--The Five Obstacles to Agreement


This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and "Negotiating Agreement" are about how to deal with disagreement--from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger--and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement. As you will see, the things you can do yourself are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.

More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn't they?

Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What's so hard about that? Why don't you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn't it? There are good reasons why it's hard for spouses to work out an agreement--five, to be exact:

  • Emotional upset and conflict
  • Insecurity and fear
  • Ignorance and misinformation
  • The legal system and lawyers
  • Real disagreement

To get an agreement, in or out of the system, with or without an attorney, you have to overcome the five obstacles. Let's look at them in a little more detail to see what you're dealing with.

The Five Obstacles to Agreement

1. Emotional upset and conflict: This is about high levels of anger, hurt, blame, and guilt--a very normal part of divorce. If one or both spouses are upset, you can't negotiate, have reasonable discussions or make sound decisions. Complex and volatile emotions become externalized and get attached to things or to the children.

When emotions are high, reason is at its lowest ebb and will not be very effective at that time. There are various causes of upset:

  • The divorce itself, stress of major change, broken dreams, fear of change, fear of an unknown future
  • Different readiness to accept the idea of divorce and willingness to proceed--the hidden cause of conflict in many cases
  • History of bad communication habits or conflict
  • Particular events or circumstances (a new lover, a new debt)

2. Insecurity, fear, lack of confidence, unequal bargaining power: You can't negotiate if either spouse feels incompetent, afraid, or that the other spouse has some big advantage.

Divorce is tremendously undermining and tends to multiply any general lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Also, there are often very real causes for insecurity: lack of skill and experience at dealing with business and negotiation, and lack of complete information and knowledge about the process and the marital affairs.

It doesn't matter if insecurity is real or reasonable; it is real if it feels real.

3. Ignorance and misinformation: Ignorance about the legal system and how it works can make you feel uncertain, insecure and incompetent. You feel as if you don't know what you are doing--and you are right.

Misinformation is when the things you think you know are not correct. Misinformation comes from friends, television, movies, even from lawyers who are not family law specialists. It can distort your expectations about your rights and what's fair. It's hard to negotiate with someone who has mistaken ideas about what the rules are.

Fortunately, both conditions can be easily fixed with reliable information.

4. The legal system and lawyers: The legal system does not help you overcome obstacles to agreement but, rather it is one of the major obstacles that you have to overcome. The legal system is designed to work against you. You want to avoid the legal system as much as possible--and you can. You can beat the system.

5. Real disagreement: These are the real issues that you want to deal with rationally and negotiate with your spouse.

Real disagreement is based on the fact that the spouses now have different needs and interests. After dealing with the first four obstacles, these real issues may turn out to be minor, but even if they are serious, at least they can be negotiated rationally.

The solutions are in your hands. Apart from the legal system--which you can avoid--all obstacles to your agreement are personal, between you and your spouse and between you and yourself.

Take care. Pay special attention to emotional upset and especially insecurity and fear. These are the forces that drive people into a lawyer's office. You want to avoid doing anything that might increase the upset and fear of either spouse.

The upset person is saying, "I can't stand this, I won't take it anymore! I'm going to get a lawyer!"

The insecure person is saying, "I can't understand all this, I can't deal with it, I can't deal with my spouse. I want to be safe. I need someone to help me. I'm going to get a lawyer."

And this is how cases get dragged into unnecessary legal conflict.

You need to arrange things so both spouses are comfortable about not retaining an attorney. If you think your spouse may be upset or insecure, you have to be very careful and patient. If you are feeling incapable of dealing with your own divorce, the information in my book, Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better will help a lot and you will see that you can get all the help and support you need without retaining an attorney.

Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.







Google News - Top Stories

BBC News

The TV Watch A Concession Wrapped in an Acceptance
New York Times - 44 minutes ago
President-elect Barack Obama with Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and Gen. James L. Jones in Chicago on Monday. By ALESSANDRA STANLEY Presentations of presidential appointees can be important, but they are rarely interesting.
Video: Obama Picks Gates, Clinton for Foreign Policy AssociatedPress
Clinton begins new chapter with State job Reuters
CBS News - The Miami Herald - Newsweek - Washington Times
all 4,467 news articles


Reuters

Down we go again: Fourth-worst drop ever for Dow
Forbes - 3 hours ago
By SARA LEPRO and TIM PARADIS , 12.01.08, 06:04 PM EST The stock market suffered one of its worst days since the financial meltdown Monday, slicing 680 points off the Dow Jones industrial average as Wall Street snapped out of its daydream of a rally ...
US stocks slide, Dow off 679 pts on global economic woes MarketWatch
US STOCKS-Dow loses 679.95 as economy, Bernanke revive fear guardian.co.uk
TIME - International Herald Tribune - China Daily - ABC News
all 2,441 news articles


SkySports

Burress appears in court, has bail set at $100000
The Associated Press - 42 minutes ago
NEW YORK (AP) - Taken to court in handcuffs, Plaxico Burress posted $100000 bail on weapons possession charges Monday as the frenzy grew around the Giants star receiver who accidentally shot himself in a nightclub.
Video: Bloomberg Urges Full Prosecution of Burress AssociatedPress
Burress Arraigned on Gun Charges New York Times
SI.com - SportingNews.com - International Herald Tribune - Yahoo! Sports
all 2,656 news articles


Inland Empire News

Schwarzenegger calls new special budget session
Reuters - 57 minutes ago
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a fiscal emergency on Monday to call lawmakers into a special session to focus on a swelling state budget gap just days after another special session failed to close the shortfall ...
Details of plans to tackle Calif's budget deficit San Jose Mercury News
California's new 'fiscal emergency' Los Angeles Times
Straits Times - Bloomberg - International Herald Tribune
all 242 news articles


Sydney Morning Herald

Tensions mount between India and Pakistan
International Herald Tribune - 1 hour ago
By Robert F. Worth MUMBAI, India: In a new sign of rising tensions between two nuclear-armed neighbors, Indian officials summoned Pakistan's ambassador Monday evening and told him that Pakistani nationals were responsible for the terrorist attacks here ...
Video: Bodies Removed From Mumbai Hotel AssociatedPress
In Wake of Attacks, India-Pakistan Tensions Grow New York Times
FOXNews - Washington Post - ABC Online - United Press International
all 2,457 news articles

Google
 

Copyright © 2006 Computer Hunter - A Division of Arthur´s Job Base