ComputerHunter.org |
|
|
|||
|
 |
The Heart Moves On: Using Ceremony to Mark the End of a Relationship
Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you deal with two different sets of issues.
A Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony can give a boost to that process. The difference between a divorce ceremony and an end-of-relationship ceremonies is largely timing. In Australia, which has no-fault divorce dependent only on a period of separation, the relationship has formally ended quite some time before the divorce becomes final. Either ceremony is an appropriate way to mark the end of your relationship with ritual and ceremony. Whichever you choose, if the ceremony is properly performed, it will have a deep spiritual content which will increase your sense of belonging. In the context of human behaviour it is the emotions that matter. The process of preparing for the ceremony, and the ceremony itself, supports positive emotions at a time of transition from one state of being to another by having a positive impact on the subconscious. A positive ceremony alleviates anxiety about the capacity to live separate lives, and steers the emotions away from self-recrimination to celebration of growth and learning. Some couples choose to have a divorce ceremony once the relationship has legally ended with the granting of a divorce. But I find that, given the opportunity, couples may choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship sometime during the initial period of separation, way before the formal proceedings have started. This can be very helpful where there are children of the relationship because in a formal way the parents' continued commitment to those children is made clear, and the children are formally absolved of blame for the breakdown in the marriage. (Many children do blame themselves and this needs to be addressed). There are two types of Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony. Where the former partners can be respectful of each other and can put their differences aside to focus on the needs of their children, the ceremony may be seen as a positive step towards separation. Vows may be retracted and formal statement of support for each other and for the children are made. This is particularly helpful as children often believe that they are the cause of the break-up, and a formal, public ceremony in which the former partners stress that their split does not mean a change in their relationship with the children can be very helpful. The second type of ceremony, where only one partner is involved, is more akin to a funeral. The good parts of the relationship are eulogised and steps are taken to help the 'surviving party' to move on. Ultimately however, your ceremony outcomes depend on the skill of your celebrant. If you are planning a ceremony to mark the end of a relationship, I urge you to focus on two things:
I have been horrified to see examples of "post-divorce" ceremonies which were virtually undistinguishable from black magic, including sticking pins in an effigy of a spouse, or burying a coffin contain a photo of the ex-spouse. I frankly refuse to conduct ceremonies where the potential client wants every person present to make a negative statement about the ex-spouse. Some celebrants are not quite so fussy, going along with this, though some may refuse to allow children of the marriage to make a negative statement against their mother or father. Nonetheless, the child is there and hears the statements, which will cause distress and is potentially harmful. When you approach a celebrant to conduct an end-of-relationship or divorce ceremony, be aware that the role of the celebrant is not to be a substitute counsellor, but to be a facilitor, using his or her skills in working with people at a time of heightened emotions. The process of developing your ceremony should result in a ceremony that enables you to:
Jennifer Cram is a sought after celebrant based in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia who conducts a range of ceremonies including The Heart Moves On ceremonies to mark a divorce or end of a relationship. She also has Psychology degree. For more information check her website http://www.jennifercram.com Copyright © 2005 Jennifer Cram. You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.
Google News - Top Stories
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Divorce--The Five Obstacles to Agreement This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and "Negotiating Agreement" are about how to deal with disagreement--from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger--and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement. As you will see, the things you can do yourself are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you. More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn't they? Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What's so hard about that? Why don't you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn't it? There are good reasons why it's hard for spouses to work out an agreement--five, to be exact: Stop Divorce: Should You Try To Stop Your Divorce If Youre Just Thinking About Getting A Divorce? Thinking about getting a divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce. Conversely, it could be wise to try to s top your divorce, only you know whether you should. Just because you're thinking about getting a divorce, doesn't necessarily mean that you should try to stop your divorce, although its logical to automatically assume so. Divorce--Negotiating Agreement: Ten Steps The best predictor of a good divorce outcome is the degree of client control over the negotiation--everything works much better if you have it. This doesn't mean you should not get help and advice from an attorney if you want it; it means you are better off if you plan to do most or all of the negotiating yourself. Studies indicate that clients feel their attorneys don't actually give them much help or guidance anyway. In a 1976 Connecticut study, nearly half of those interviewed reported no more than three contacts with their attorney, including phone calls, while 60% said they had worked out all issues without attorney help. A New Jersey study in 1984 considered only cases with children where both spouses had attorneys. Fewer than 20% felt their lawyers had played a major role in settlement negotiations. So, you see, you are likely to end up dealing with the negotiation anyway and there is strong evidence that you are far better off if you do. You get a higher degree of compliance with terms of agreement, a much lower chance for future courtroom conflict, co-parenting is smoother, support payments are more likely to be made in full and on time, and you get on with your life more quickly. Don't expect negotiating with a spouse to be easy. There are lots of built-in difficulties--so many that you may want professional help from a good mediator. But, okay, so there are problems--that's nothing new in the world of divorce. Let's look at exactly what you can do about it. Here are ten steps you can take to make your negotiations work: 1. Be businesslike: 3 Major Divorce Parenting Mistakes And Learn How To Avoid Them What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to unhappy, unhealthy and unsuccessful children? Parents know these for your children seek. Healing Dysfunctional Families In a recent article entitled "Some Evidence On How We Are Spiritually Connected" I reported on a case study that revealed how individuals who share common traumatic memories can help each other release the trauma at a distance employing a new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM). In this article I will elaborate some of the potential applications of such a result as well as its far reaching implications. Cheating Husbands - Meeting Needs? Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could be bored with their lifestyle and feel that they need to do something exciting or they could be having a midlife crisis. The latter is very common as many husbands cheat on their wives when they seem to reach 40 for some reason. Grieving the End of Your Marriage, as You Know it The pain of finding out that your partner is cheating on you can be the worst pain you'll feel in your entire life. What is happening to you, you may wonder. You are grieving. You are grieving the loss of your marriage as you know it, of the spouse as you knew him or her. You know that although you may heal that nothing will ever be exactly the same. Divorce Online Sevice - Why Should We Lose Money And Time Applying For Divorce? Attempts to use the worldwide Web as an effective means of struggle against bureaucracy are undertaken constantly and sometimes successfully. Today it is possible to fill in a tax declaration, apply for bankruptcy or to receive a legal consultation. And lately there are sites offering online divorce services. How To Protect Your Life Insurance Policy While Going Through A Divorce Life insurance, more than most things you buy, relates to the circumstances of your life. You buy life insurance to protect your family from financial loss stemming from your death. You tie the amount of your life insurance to the money your family will need to provide an income, pay off debts, put children through college and cover financial commitments. Surviving Divorce: What To Think About To Ensure Surviving Divorce Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating getting a divorce. In order to ensure surviving divorce, you should first understand that your divorce decision shouldn't be taken lightly. Ensuring that you'll be surviving divorce can be comforting and can influence your path as you consider your reasons for divorce and take the emotional plunge into actually going through with it. There Is Life After Divorce A married woman becomes a single woman for one of two reasons: death or divorce. The former is an honourable state, the latter is not. Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life One out of every two marriages in America is failing. Getting a Jewish Divorce in the UK What is the Get? Anatomy of a Divorce: How it Really Works The legal divorce vs. your real divorce The legal divorce has very limited concerns: to get a judgment of divorce, you have to make arrangements for your property, your children, and support (if any). If you have a high degree of conflict, it is also about keeping the peace and protecting you, your children and your property. That's it; that's all the legal divorce is about. The law is used to impose a decision in your case only when there is a disagreement that has been brought into court. If you can reach a fair written agreement with your spouse, you can get almost any terms you like without much reference to laws. But, where children are concerned, a judge might take a look at your terms to make sure they are reasonably well supported and protected. All you get from your legal divorce is a piece of paper--a Judgment--with findings of fact and court orders on the above subjects. That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support. You might think that a legal divorce will solve your problems, but it probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. Your real divorce is about ending one life and beginning another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been dealt. Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of practical problems. How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are feeling. The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on. In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges: Emotional: This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships. Physical: Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful when driving. Practical: This is about taking care of business on the physical plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce. Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce won't cost a dime! This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues described above. Learn more by going to Divorce Solutions. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman Women And Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who think that their husband will be asking about getting a divorce at some point should put their emotions aside and plan "just in case" their intuition is correct that a divorce may be coming in the near future. If women who believe that the "divorce discussion" may be lurking, they should make it a point to look for solid signs that their husband will indeed ask for a divorce...then they should plan accordingly. Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair? Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people who live through an extramarital affair that will never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with. Contested And Uncontested Divorce A divorce case is contested if the parties cannot agree on every one of the issues involved in their particular situation. Common areas of disagreement include, but are not limited to: grounds for divorce, custody of the children, visitation rights, division of the assets of the marriage, child support, maintenance (alimony), payment of family debts, contribution toward educational expenses (college or parochial), payment of health insurance for the dependent spouse, income tax structuring, etc What Are You Waiting For? So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but for whatever reason, you and your spouse have decided to stay together "for the sake of the children". Four Tips to Save You Money in a Divorce Case 1. Have an Clear Written Fee Agreement 7 Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion after Divorce Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person's life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living "out of the habit" of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.
|
|
|
|
|
